okay, i need to get my car back.

history has shown, that when i don't have a car or more appropriately-- when i don't have to drive (came with somebody, sleeping over, license suspended etc) i drink a little much. seriously, i dunno what's wrong with me-- if i know i don't have to drive i will get ridiculous, sloppy drunk. i don't even question it when the night begins, like 'warn myself' that it's maybe not a good idea, it's just... my right to do so. regardless of what obligations i may have the next day. i say history has proven this because that was pretty much my late teen experience in a nutshell. drunk all the time because i rode the bus to school and back, and didn't have a car so when we hung out someone else drove. when i did get a car after high school, i lost my license and my friends carried me around splishity-splash in a bucket everywhere til i got it back and became a responsible citizen once more.

in that time i did several reckless things, including but not limited to theft, catnapping, and suicide back in 2004. i wasn't depressed, just drunk.

with a hand in that were those weird feelings you get, after you've been totally annihilated on some occasion; do you know this? if you do, then nod and if you're too young or just don't drink, you're missing out on some serious shit. it feels so unsure and nauseating and you feel guilty but you don't know why, other than you took control away from the one person who should always have control over you (yourself.) and drinking the way i have been lately, i feel that way a lot. a lot of sunrises in my driveway where i just ask "what the fuck?" and desperately make sure i have everything in my pockets and on my person that i left with hours before.

WELL, FUCKFACE HERE (points 2 self w/ thumbs) PULLED SOME SILLY SHIT LAST NIGHT, and lost a couple of very important items of sentimental as well as practical value. and god knows what else honestly, i'm sure i'll notice things missing in a few days.

now it's not the first time i've lost a pair of drawers. there are a couple of infamous pairs that've been misplaced through all the times we've gone swimming or i've peed outside at get-togethers. usually, people's houses and whatnot-- always gets returned, we all share a laugh. but among whatever i don't remember taking out, i left my sunglasses, and my favorite pair of underwear i've had since the eleventh grade (shut up) get this-- ON THE COUNTER IN A GAS STATION. yes. i am that girl, that's me now. this is something i have the pleasure of saying i have done before. and now you know someone like that, you sick fucks.

they were in my purse, and i needed to count quarters to buy cigarettes at the ass crack of dawn. i had somehow managed to keep all of my clothes and belongings together even after they were scattered about with everyone else's shit at the pool, i had even managed to put my bra back on while soaking wet and drunker than hell. so that made it home. so did my bandanna and belt and even my lighter. but the undies? six years of whale-tailin' memories cruisin in comfort and style? gone. and probably thrown out by now. no, probably thrown out as soon as i got back in ~jamierocket's truck and we left. and i don't even have a car to go back to the place tonight and shamefully ask if anyone saw or saved them (i mean i did lose my glasses, they wouldn't chuck those outright.) i'm so pissed. i feel betrayed. by myself.

oh yeah my car-- it's in the shop because it won't take gas. it had loped and putted when i made U-turns on a low tank ever since i got a new one put on, but i had just filled it up. and the lads at the garage tell me-- after not calling for two days-- that "they can't seem to find the problem." ...?

my stomach's in a few knots about that, without me fucking up the already fragile state of "upswing" i've been enjoying for the past few weeks since getting over the miscarriage. and at least when i broke down, i was at the END OF MY BLOCK and not twenty miles away, in Largo to convert a couple grand into a couple shiny Krugerrands to hedge myself against this weak economy and also save money without my stupid ass being able to spend it (like i can when i put it in the bank, or when i stuff it in a box in my room.) no bars around here can break a troy ounce of gold (and i'd be leaving a pretty big tip with the change.) so money is okay. good time to fix my car. but i don't know what the story is right now, so i'm bothered. IT'S A FUEL SYSTEM ISSUE, just-- fucking-- rebuild that whole shebang, i'm sure it needs it anyway i don't care if you can't find the one screw or gasket causing the problem. (i suspect a vacuum leak in the manifold but that's hella-too-hard to fix in my driveweay! )

there are also people saying that since my ex had a history of shooting up that i OMG MIGHT DEFINITELY MAYBE DO HAVE HEPATITIS WORST CASE SCENARIO FREAKOUT TIME VICARIOUS EXCITEMENT FOR THE BORED GOSSIPY PEOPLE. i didn't find out about the habit til the bitter end (thought he was just a pill-popper, not a piece of shit) and the only reason i have "uneasy doubt" instead of fear or fine is that the people the word is coming from are celebrated drama queens/pathological liars. but still. don't wanna fuck around with that. and during one the closing fights back in Febs, he did show me a needle, as if to confess it would've made up for the fact that he was a lying piece of shit.

ssssssssoooooo.
should i... you wanna... start a pool, or something...? ladies and gentlemen how many bullets can i dodge in two years! WHAT'S MY NUMBER AND WHEN'S IT UP! your call could you make you rich, and i'll contact everyone after the blood test!




----

If you think that I don't know
about depression and emotional pain,
you're insane,
or you're a fool who hasn't paid attention
to a word that I say.

In a way,
I can't help but feel responsible,
I always knew that you were insane,
with your pain.

Now a-day,
you never thought you'd get addicted,
just be cooler in an obvious way.
I could say,
shouldn't you have got a couple piercings
and decided maybe that you were gay?

But I never thought you'd be a junkie
because heroin is so passe.

[link]

and very little has changed since, so put your hopes to bed.



just wanted a new entry instead of the old ghosts hanging around the last one.


















_

i lost it.

i actually saw it.
fuck, let's be honest, i inspected it. to make sure. not sure however if i would've been better off. but it's always my nature to sicken and frighten myself with awful visceral truths, for the sake of complete understanding.

point is, i'm back to my life. but it's not back to normal, no-- nothing's normal at all. i'm at a bigger loss than before, and also it hurts to lie down. ..and stand for too long. and pee. not sure how normal that is considering this started two days ago but i'm being watchful.

i had no idea when i began this kicking and screaming how awful it would make me feel when it was all over. i had this wonderful opportunity to bring happiness to a couple starting a family and secure a part of my life that would be there forever, in some regard. a part of me. i also was looking forward to the change, the growth. and it hid the loss i felt with the breakup even though it was my idea. no one likes being so suddenly alone, it was nice that we had this weird little common ground still uniting us.

it's not really reasonable to feel bad for something that's just an errant clump of cells that could have killed me if it were left to its own without my body's intervention. so i guess the sadness is all more abstract and a little self-reflecting. it's all in the adults, all created in our heads; we pity a little life that wasn't even aware of itself but really we're just sad for our own sake. i think it's fair enough, especially when it's honest.

i haven't spoken to my sister yet. it seems... sickly poetic. i trashed on something she had lost just because i didn't want it then, and now it's gone. i want to see her. i kind of want to say i'm sorry. but if she's felt better i don't want to drag her back through it.

the most horrible people have babies. crack-smoking, binge-drinking pieces of waste can have kids. usually not normal, but i'm saying the process doesn't always stop even for the most irresponsible mothers. my boss blamed my dairy stock job. people could point fingers at the fact i'd cut back to two smokes on a regular day but didn't quit cold turkey. i considered the stress in the family and lack of sleep, and even wondered if jackin off could've done anything weird to it (no penetration though). but this early, i can't really blame anything i might've done for this. it just... wasn't what everyone thought it was. and that happens all the time.

.........................
i'm not really sure what i want from life right now. i wish i was still pregnant. i wish there was still something to grow from and look forward to, something for me to be.
but for various reasons i can't and won't do it again for a very long time. the next accident, wouldn't really be one if i let it happen again.

so many downers! it just never ennnddsss! I KNOW!

so, since the real world... blows, go to a fake world. please. ...
LOOK MY WRITING IS ALL I HAVE GOING RIGHT NOW. and that is just barely.

fortunately, some of my friends are brilliant writers who are currently posting and updating contiguous, entertaining works of fiction. so if for any reason you're not hot on my stuff but have the itch, you really should check these out.

this last week has been a living breathing unmitigated Hell. i make no extra stress. i'm sorry i nuked everyone's submissions. i took a look at a couple but i'm just kinda dazed and had been avoiding the computer.

my face is raw from all the dried salt and rubbing and contortions of grief and frustration. though oddly enough, it seems to be clearing up. and it should only get better with any luck. not a lot of news, but very big, very terrible news all around. i hate to keep doing this to everyone's day! but last Friday and the days following have just been-- the final straw. i got nothin. for a while, probably. break it down for ya.

3:10 AM - after a week of cramping preceding a late period, i test one positive and one negative for a pregnancy. i only bought the damn test for the proof i was just late and to take the thought off of my mind of my biggest fear before getting cancer.

9:15 AM - frightened and sleep deprived, i accompany my dad to the veterinarian (my mother had an important engagement with my sister) to have our dog put down. i have not known this kind of loss in my entire life. i've also never seen my dad break down like that before. the whole thing has gutted me.

9:30 AM - as soon as we get home i make a zombielike drive to the free preggo center for a definite answer. i don't specify my destination to my dad when he asks. i get there and the place is closed until 1. i wasted a trip and hurry home to try to sleep.

10:30 AM - still unable to fetch any sleep in the hours before work, i wander out and my dad informs me that my mother has informed him from the hospital that my sister's intended pregnancy has terminated itself after three months.

12:30 PM - my alarm wakes me up and i get dressed and out to the kitchen. i cry with my mom about Grace and my sister. because i'm me and probably fucked in the head, i am still just more upset about the dog. i reserve this information, but manage to spill the beans about my 90% sure pregnancy. i scrape together what will i have left after dealing the blow to my folks and leave for the resource center again with my tail between my legs.

1:30 PM - i've decided to wait in the place because they're full except for one slot at 2:30 and closed until Monday on account of Good Friday (and it's a faith-based organization.) my mother calls and says she'll join me at the place. i feel a little less pathetic, but still manage to cry what's left of my makeup and the first few layers of skin off of my face. they confirm my pregnancy. i deflect a religious speech with my interest in adoption options. in the referral they give me is the same agency/organization i came from.

5:30 PM - i called in late to work after telling my boss-mom what happened and have lunch on the beach with my family. there's some friction between me and my sister-- not surface, just underlying-- as nice and understanding as we both can be the two of us wants to be in the situation the other is in, and it seems to be rubbing the unhappiness and bitterness in.

6:15 PM - we get home and i phone my boss and request the day just completely off. she says standby is the best she can do. that's fine. i get a couple hours of sleep in the meantime.

8:20 PM - my boss calls because the place is slammed, and i go into work. it's kind of a welcome familiarity and busy working activity feels good but i'm ready to go home afterward. i spend a few minutes amazingly hanging out with Nikki and then pass out like death until work the next day.

the only other important information,
the father: A)yes i have told him and we agree, though he grudged at first at me not keeping it and 2)we are not together anymore, i broke us off suddenly last weekend on the friendliest possible terms i could.

insurance: A)is being a bitch (bureaucrats)
2)but hey, it's free.

my tits: A)hurt. a lot.
2)so do a lot of things.

the baby: no one will know until next week when i get that sweet sweet free sonogram. i have to wait this long because the starting date for prenatal care (in-system) is seven weeks. naturally that puts me at six. and according to the slider-doodad i must have been ovulating in excess of ten days early hence all the present to-do. that's like, THE ENTIRE OFF-CYCLE!! really!? really, body?? do i really need this shit??

my family: i hide my crying because i secretly think it offends them. they're very life-happy. and still reeling from the tragedy with my sister's baby. it's the most unfair thing in the world. she deserves to have a baby in her. she wants it so much. i wish we could switch.

i'm still torn up most about my dog. a lot of the really intense night crying is about her. i felt before i spoke with them in depth that if my folks heard it and maybe they could, that they were angry at me for being a resentful baby-hater. but i swear, it's just the dog. if anything, being pregnant has filled me with weird, constructive and piteous emotions alongside the anger and regret.

the lapse in my subscription is over. thank god the ads are gone.

really, that's all i pay for with this sub now; ad-free browsing. the 120 thumbs-per-page is equally paltry for the thirty clams. BUT LIKE MOST THINGS LOSING THEIR VALUE NOWADAYS, i shovel money into causes that really don't further me as a person though i enjoy them in the now.

like cigarettes. thanks to the bailouts, my $3.75~$4.00 Marlb lights are now nearly five a pack, and rumored to go over six in the next week. nearly forty dollars a carton for some brands isn't questionable anymore when under thirty was the norm. and that ain't all-- booze got hit too. what's next, condoms?

i don't eat fast food much, but i noticed through my boyfriend's purchases that even McDonald's is becoming a ripoff. i mean, to people who eat their food and didn't consider it criminal for McDonald's to even call their product food; i know stuffy people who think that way who don't give a damn how cheap or expensive it is. but still.

oh, and about Dan. there was trouble. it passed. but i try to be more realistic now-- it makes things easier when i do that. i still think for my first relationship at 23 i'm doing fair. AVERAGE FOR A BEGINNER IS GOOD.

i guess it's all fine considering i actually have some money now. the restaurant opened up three weeks ago and old regulars as well as new walk-ins have been throwing money at us to do what we do. which is everything, no matter who you are; tonight we had servers doing dishes after one rush it was so busy. but god damn i am glad to be back there. working with the same people again and smelling the same smells and feeling fire didn't even seem distant or familiar. it just felt like the entire last year and a half completely never happened. gone. like i'd never left, or all those months in grocery were a dream. it's sad in a way. i had some good times (at Alby's anyhow).

so now that i have a stable partner, a little financial security again, and i spend my days in a bellyshirt and bandanna and apron instead of a polo and a down jacket and gloves, you'd think everything would be dandy as doodly balls now. but it's not.

granted it's great, but i feel there is a terrible trade commencing.